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Donna Irons
Bronze Member
New Zealand
154 Posts |
 Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 01:04:57 AM
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Hi all,
I know this was a while ago (october last year), when I lost my beloved boy, and you are probably aweare how he went, he started to loose weight, and ended in Edinburgh hospital , No one could give me a good reason why!!!!!!I got a phone call to say he gave up on the opperating table..............
I have always felt guilty that if I had been with him for the whole time he would not have given up, He was three hours away at the time, but with the business I had couldn't get there.
God i feel bad now, but................................
have you ever had a dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,
I dreamn't a couple of nights ago now, that i was going to my old yard, and I couldnt find my horse. he had been moved,( and why !! because I had not been to see him for so long).I found him In the forgotten field, he hated me,.................
someone had cut his forlock and mane.. His mane was just under 3ft longand I loved it!!!
In my dream he asked why I had not been to see him, and he walked off.......
and that was it!!!!!!
I have always felt guilty for not being there, but is that it! I feel so empty.
I felt OK Bfore this dream, but how would you feel if your beloved horse, hated you ??? and you you knew why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(and it was by his nose at the time)
He had always doted on me and my two little girls, too the point of only being cut a year befor too loving my three year onld like his own...
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rhoni
Gold Member
United Kingdom
910 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 03:00:11 AM
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| Jeez Donna, behave yourself!!!!!! Don't break your heart like this, but if you have to I'll share why I'm still awake. There are people on this site who know where you are and how you are feeling. |
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Kazzy
Platinum Member
England
3335 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 08:43:26 AM
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Dont they say dreams never come true and if you dream something it
means the opposite.
You go through these emotions, I did with mine.
I am sure your boy loved you and up there he still loves you.
Dont break your heart over this. I had dreams about mine and went
through a bit of *Kazzy hates me for taking his mum away* stage (Kazzy being my mares son who I had to have PTS in February)
Janet |
     
Sunny Cheshire |
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Malak
Silver Member
Panama
315 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 09:00:42 AM
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Hi Donna,
I have previously been through depression in my life, due to lots of circumstances,you are not depressed, but i can give some advice regarding your dream...
The reason we dream is to work through emotions, and our dreams do not always resemble the actual issue we dream about. For example if you dream you beat the crap out of your best friend, can mean you are dealing with difficult issues at work which has made you frustrated...
You are struggling with guilt, which is natural when you loose someone, and your dream is reflecting this. It is not your horse talking to you, it is your own thoughts that are trying to work themselves out when you sleep.
Your horse was a lucky boy, who had a loving caring mum like you- not all of us can be there all the time, but when we are they feel loved and cared for, and we make sure thats the case when we can't be there too.
If he could measure you up towards someone else, don't you think he'd be greatful to be taken care of in the wonderful way you did, rather than be passed around from sale to sale between horrible nasty dealers?? (to put it on the edge..)
I have lost several horses in my life, and loosing my mare and foal at the same time last year broke me completely. Your horse was a lucky boy, with a loving mum, and you need to believe in that and make peace. Your horse would want you to make peace, so that he can have peace, too :)
It is yourself trying to tell yourself something in your dream, not your horse. Listen to your own self- stress like this can be very harmful, and that's what your body is telling you. I know how difficult that can be to accept, but you will do yourself( and your horse) a big favour letting go, knowing you did all you could to give him a good life. That is the truth and i do think deep down you do know it- bacause you loved him :)
Best redgards, and make sure to feel better soon:)
Tove |
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Eeyore
Gold Member
1181 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 09:22:01 AM
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Hi Donna
I had to have Simone my old horse put to sleep at the beginning of May this year. I still dream about her, but they are nice dreams. I dream that I'm riding her through the woods again and across the fields and we are so happy and free together. Then when I am waking up and semi conscious I think she is still alive until suddenly I jolt wide awake and remember that she is gone and I go through the pain and grief again.
Dreams play tricks on us, they do not show us what is or was real but are our thoughts trying to work themselves out. I'm absolutely certain that your horse didn't blame you for not being there, it was all the love you gave him while he was alive that was important.
I am having problems coming to terms with my grief, Simone was my first horse and I've never felt like this before.
Take care |
Heléna
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LYNDILOU
Platinum Member
United Kingdom
13976 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 09:23:25 AM
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I agree with Tov, it is your own guilty feelings that has made you dream this dream, you are blaming yourself, please dont. After my little brother died (I was 10 at the time) I blamed myself and had a lot of dreams about it, in my dreams , he always came back and I so wanted to hug him and say sorry I should have stayed with you ( I ran away when he had his accident) but my mum in the dream said he is back but you must'nt touch him or he will melt, in the end the desire to hug him was too strong and I hugged him, then he started to melt, and I woke up crying, see guilt has many forms but one thing you MUST not do is blame yourself for not being there, you couldnt have made a jot of difference to the outcome, sorry darlin |
   
www.dreamfield-arabians.com |
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Lila
Gold Member
Netherlands
1097 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 10:29:36 AM
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Oh Now I am really crying, I miss my mare so much, she died when she was nine. She had a very bad colic, she would have been 24 this year. I always wanted to go riding at the beach, but she died before, she never met my girls, who she would have loved. If only I knew then what i know now , she would still be here, I blame myself for so much I was 17 when I bought her, from my own earned money. I loved her so much I felt tummy pain the whole week before she died. I have to write a letter to her and burn it, this is to let her spirit go, but I cant although I know I have to. But I keep her here, I think sometimes I dream of her, not as much as I used to though. I used to dream that WWIII started and that I was on her back to escape and then they take her from me, we were seperated and I always woke up so bad feeling. I was there when she died and I still miss her so much and I still feel guilty, I know I should not. Kindest regards Monique
PS You did nothing wrong by not being there with him. |
M. Lankhaar |
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Tahir
Platinum Member
United Kingdom
4572 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 12:18:56 PM
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I totally agree with Tove, your mind is having a battle with itself because you feel guilty, and you really shouldn't Donna, you did nothing wrong. He died peacefully under anaesthtic - many other horses die under more traumatic circumstances, with their owner's elsewhere (through no fault of their own). You were there for him when he needed you whilst he was alive, that's all that matters.
I know we would all love to be with our horses 24/7, but life makes it impossible, we all have other responsibilities.
I lost my stallion last September - no sign of any illness in the morning, I left him happily grazing where he could see his mares and went out "fun" shopping with some friends. When I returned at 3pm he was out of his field and looking a bit dazed, but he wasn't trying to get near the mares, which is what you'd expect a loose stallion to do. I repaired his fencing and decided to give him a thorough check over after I had done the "school run". When I returned he was again out of his field, I quickly realised something was very wrong because a couple of the fence posts were broken. To cut a long story short, he was having fits so the vet was called and we had to make the sad decision to have my lovely boy PTS before he hurt himself badly whilst fitting. The only other option was to knock him out completely with drugs for 24 hours and see if he had any fits when he woke up - I couldn't bear to do this, especially if he woke up, had a violent fit and broke a leg or something (he hated to be in any sort of pain). The vet also gave him a 10% chance of recovering from the fits, therefore the decision was made.
I always regret going out shopping that day, no doubt I would have noticed something was wrong with him earlier (although I think the final outcome would have been the same). I have never dreamt about him either, so I feel a bit robbed. I think the reason he hasn't been in my dreams is that I lost my Dad very soon after and also discovered a "lump" and have had to have ops and treatment!!!
I feel now that he is well and truly gone but certainly not forgotten, but the future my say otherwise!!!
Carla, xx. |
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natntaz
Platinum Member
England
2919 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 8:22:02 PM
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I lost my mare four years ago, I had owned her from eight months to twenty one years, I am a very strong person but didnt realise how badly it had affected me. I used to just sit there and cry for no apparent reason. This went on for a good year. I usually deal with
anything that is thrown at me but the loss of my little arab mare broke my heart. There was nothing i could of done. She had a terrible
bout of colic in the night and by the time i had got there early in
the morning she had a double twisted gut. I think we all live with the what ifs but in truth we can only do the best by them with the
time that we have. I think it is like anything we cant be we them
24hrs a day. I think about her regularly but time does heel. The problem is then we put our self up for it again when we give our heart to other horses. Rip Fair four year later and it still bring a tear to my eye when i think of her |
   
Natalie Pix. Essex. Tariq ibn Radfan and Taroub |
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Judith S
Platinum Member
Wales
15686 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 8:56:04 PM
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I lost my closest friend & love of my life - Zahera (arab mare) back in 2001...in the September......earlier that year I lost my father, then had a major op (total hysterectomy), then Alan (OH) lost his parents in the most terrible,horrendous way imaginable.........after all that terrible grief....loosing Zahera nearly killed me - I would have gladly gone instead of her.....so bad was my grief.....
The following year I had another big OP & also lost my mother.
But hey....life has to go on!!! & life is far too short to dwell on the bad things!!!
Yes - I still grieve - but oddly only for my beloved Zahera...how strange?!
Look onwards & upwards...thats my moto!!!!
Judith |
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Edited by - Judith S on 06 Jul 2007 9:03:58 PM |
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azraa
Gold Member
United Kingdom
1030 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 10:02:51 PM
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i agree with tove i lost my mare ,my dream horse in 13 /11 /00,we at one with each other,she was injured,i do not know how it happened,the sky was alight with fire works the crakley ones and bangers,she went to hospital,2 days later,i was giving her a cuddle and knew she was dying,the hospital wouldnt let me stay so i went home and i was going to go the next day at 11.30, but i woke up and knew she had gone,i called hubby coz my friend didnt turn up to take me to the hospital,and i told him shes gone i know she has and like everyone he said stay strong shell be finem,i put the phone down and it rang it was the vet,i said i know dont tell me she died at 3am ,he was gob smacked,i was in piesces ,so was my mare she was lost and confused,so for her sake i pulled my self together it took 6 months to relise this .i gave up for 3 months,work ,life nothing mattered i wanted to go with her ,i should of been there with her,she had a heart attack,but you must not feel guilty your boy loved you ,your dreams are your feelings working themselfs out,i had bad flash backs,which was my way of coping .
i belief in the after life and i used to go warm and tinagaly and that was my mare visiting me ,its weird but if i was bad she would come to me and i would speak to her if i msensed she was bad,its weird but it got both of us through our loss of each other,i went to look at a colt and why ?i was petrifed of colts,i bought a mare who was not for sale,she kept following me she was lovely and it turned out she was by the stallion i saw 3 months before my mare died, my mare came to me the night before i went to see the colt and my mum said wait till tomorrow,as i did not know what she wanted,this was about a year after my loss,so my mare had found me another mare and her name is azraa and she is still as lovely today and has a home for life,but i still miss my mare i lost and yes i feel bad but life does go on ,time will heal you but cherish the good times you had,its painful writing this ,but time does heal.please do not beat your self up,your healing.
karen |
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azraa
Gold Member
United Kingdom
1030 Posts |
Posted - 06 Jul 2007 : 10:28:14 PM
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i have quickly read through these threads and its so very heart rendering such tragic times,you know everyone was knocked for 6 with there loss and i for one am a strong person and it wiped me away,everyone has felt the same but has dealt there own way their grieve,these arabs are almost human,my mare rosie was my first arab and i found they are like no other horses,it was a tragic loss i still do not like the noise of fire works and ambulances, i cry when they go past with the sirens on,i think its because of taking rosie to hospital,i go to pieces if im driving its awful.
judith i do not know how you are still here,its awful for you,my friend lost her horse(arab),her husband left he had been seeing her best friend and she lost her dog to cancer (she took dog to the vets as she was lame)all in 4 weeks,i sent her on holiday ,cleaned her house done the garden,and cooked meals everyday for her when i done ours i made her and her little boy some,but now 7 yrs later ,she has her own busines,another horse and her own house and still is a single parent,hats of to her.
the strengh we have is amazing .
donna keep your chin up ,its tough but it does get easier,your grieving,dont feel guilty,your boy won,t want you to.
karen
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leezee26
Gold Member
England
1123 Posts |
Posted - 11 Jul 2007 : 1:28:23 PM
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| Its a natural human trait to feel such immense grief..I lost my soul mate nearly two years ago in October. I had owned him from 4 months and he went at eleven and a half. We battled for over a year with his arthritis and other probs(he was a big boy at 18.1hh) Due to his sheer size his problem just intensified until, just as we thought he was turning the corner, another blow, trauma induced acute laminitis. My beautiful boy had had enough, he wanted to go home and who was I to deny that...But my God do I feel guilty about the decision, dont get me wrong I know it was the right one but hell it hurts..Then I couldnt be with him when he was shot(My best friend held him) I had to have him shot as he was so fed up with injections plus he was so big, I needed it to be quick. My heart simply aches so much with his loss, and I really didnt think I could cope without him, and yes it was shakey for a while..But I did make it out the other side, I still cry for him and I guess I always will. To start with and for a long time I couldnt feel him near, and I thought it was because he was angry with me for making that decision and not being with him, and it crucified me for a long time, then a friend said that because I was having these guilty and negative thoughts I was blocking him, so I tried so hard to think more positively and try and remember my many wonderful memories of him, and yes the fog did start to clear and now I know he is with me, and I KNOW he is not cross with me...I now dream happy dreams, but the most reassuring one was when I finally let go of my guilt, and I could see him as clear as day, happily grazing and waiting for me, as I know he is, and it certainly helped with my fear of death, as how can I fear it now knowing that he is there, and will always be there no matter when my time comes....Donna I pray you get through this soon, your boy didnt have the capacity to hate or blame you in life and I sure as anything know that he wont hold that sort of resentment where he is now, let that fog clear and you will see him and you will see by that same old placid look on his face that he loves you as much now as he always did.. Leighxx |
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