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pat ww
Platinum Member
United Kingdom
3459 Posts |
 Posted - 31 May 2008 : 09:59:49 AM
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This makes me glad i did not carry on with a career in law, emailed to me.
You have to love the law profession!
Subject: In the American Courts.
These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts,” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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akitamom
Gold Member
England
903 Posts |
Posted - 31 May 2008 : 11:52:55 AM
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They are EXCELLENT..thanks for sharing those nearly made me wet myself....allthough that in its self is not difficult these days. |
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LittleAmira
Bronze Member
131 Posts |
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purdeysue
Gold Member
England
652 Posts |
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Leila
Bronze Member
England
186 Posts |
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Mrs Vlacq
Platinum Member
Wales
3776 Posts |
Posted - 31 May 2008 : 5:03:11 PM
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Brill Pat, just came in for a T break and had a good chuckle.
'Manny' grandaughter had a lovely colt foal yeasterday, will post on new arrivals when I get some pics. |
    
- V Khazad - V Calacirya & V Sulime - Quarida(L) - V Boogie Knights - V Hamra Tofiq |
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AmyJE
Bronze Member
United Kingdom
96 Posts |
Posted - 31 May 2008 : 5:47:14 PM
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| I've sent it to my brother - he's a lawyer! Not that bad though I hope! lol. |
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kizzy
Bronze Member
Scotland
228 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2008 : 09:17:55 AM
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| Brilliant! As a future lawyer myself, and a bit of bimbo, think I should fit in perfectly! |
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polly
Platinum Member
2183 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2008 : 3:38:05 PM
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Oh Brilliant!
We are staying with family , here in Canada and my nephew and his girlfriend are both law students and they are crying laughing at these Thanks for those ! Polly |
   
Photos1and2EricGJones
pollywells@.live.co.uk |
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Kirsty5278
Platinum Member
England
2682 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2008 : 7:28:16 PM
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| They had me in stitches!!! more of those please!! |
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pat ww
Platinum Member
United Kingdom
3459 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2008 : 9:02:50 PM
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| if anyone more pc literate than me can post photos my sister sent me quite a funny one, let me know and i will pm it |
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ashabarab
Gold Member
England
1378 Posts |
Posted - 01 Jun 2008 : 9:39:32 PM
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very funny
as l have lived in the us l can so appreciate them!
only in america
ash |
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Merlot
Platinum Member
England
3260 Posts |
Posted - 02 Jun 2008 : 11:06:26 AM
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| Hilarious, made me laugh out loud. Cheers ! |
 photo by Eric G Jones |
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