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doug ault
Platinum Member
 Wales
1688 Posts |
 Posted - 22 Dec 2011 : 10:00:00 AM
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
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So I said to the taxi driver, "King Authur's Close".
He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights."
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Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
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I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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I went to the doctor and I said "it hurts when I do that", he said "well, don't do it."
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
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D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.
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I got home from work and the wife said "I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner."
I said "Don't worry, I'll get you a new cat."
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, "I want five pounds of potatoes please."
And the greengrocer says, "We only sell kilos."
So the man says, "Alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos."
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   DOUG.
http://www.silversun-enterprises.webs.com |
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Some old Tommy Coopers.
"Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened."